Like a lot of obsessive women, I took multiple pregnancy tests. Being my third pregnancy, I knew what to look for. The lines weren't quite getting darker, not like they should. I had a bad feeling, but I was still super hopeful. After a few days, the line was darker but I still felt uneasy. I asked my doctor to send me for bloodwork. That started about four weeks of tests. Blood tests three to four times a week. Ultrasounds. They thought maybe it was ectopic so I had surgery to check. They saw that there was a sack in my uterus but couldn't find the baby. I waited a few more days and had yet another ultrasound. At almost nine weeks pregnant, they still couldn't find it. I had lost the baby. More likely, it had never really even started to grow. I was devastated. I asked the tech for a picture of the empty sack. She looked at me like I was crazy, but gave it to me. I was scheduled for a d&c a few days later.

 

When I went in for the surgery, I was a wreck. I felt like I was having an abortion. I felt like the other people there thought I was too. I am not against abortion, at all. But in this instance, it wasn't my choice. I wanted that baby. I planned for her. I was convinced that it was going to be my girl, finally. I pleaded with the nurses to understand that I wasn't giving up on my baby. I remember one nurse sat with me, held my hand and teared up with me, talking about her miscarriage and how devastating she knew it was. I wish I knew her name. She helped me more than she'll ever know.

I felt for years like my loss wasn't as real as someone who heard a heartbeat. Blighted ovums are often sluffed off because there really wasn't a baby in there to lose. But to me, there was. As soon as I saw that line, she was in there. I was already planning her first birthday party, in August. I was so excited for a summer baby. I wanted her. So very much.

 

My baby came back to me, three months later. I didn't enjoy that pregnancy. My innocence was lost along with that pregnancy. I always assumed that pregnancy equaled baby. And it doesn't. I've always talked openly about my miscarriage, as I realized when going through mine, just how many of us have been through it. I wish more women would speak about theirs. There's no shame in miscarriage or pregnancy loss. We loved those babies. Prayed for those babies. We were moms to them, right from day one. I think about who that baby would have been, all the time. I wonder if it had been Lux, just three months too early. I like to believe that it was her. She is amazing. Having her completely changed my life, in more ways than a few. I'm so grateful for each one of my children. As awful as my miscarriage was, I'm glad it happened to me, so I can talk about it to moms who are afraid to talk about theirs. You are not alone. There is a community of us, too many of us. But if you are dealing with this right now and want to talk, please know I'm here.

 

Nine years. And it sometimes feels like yesterday.